Week 9- Empathy and Emotions

 This week we talked about empathy and emotions. It is so important that we take each other's feelings seriously. Women tend to focus on emotions more than men, but that does not mean that men have less emotions than women. Empathy is so important in a marriage. The Disarming Technique is a way to show empathy toward your partner. It’s when you find truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems totally unreasonable or fair. Try putting yourself in their shoes and see through their eyes. Another important aspect of empathy is inquiry. To do this, try to ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking. It’s just as important to share your own feelings as it is to understand your spouse’s feelings. Try using “I feel” statements such as “I feel sad when this situation happens because…” When there is a situation and you are expressing how you feel, the sentence should always start with “I,” and not “you.” When you are upset and start with “you made me mad because..” then it is more likely to create an argument. It’s important not to blame your spouse and instead fix the problem together as a team. It’s important to get to know each other on that deeper level so you know how to handle and take care of each other when the other is upset. My husband and I had a hard time at the beginning of our marriage because he did not know how to comfort me when I was upset, and it made me even more frustrated. Our communication was poor with each other when it came to this. I was upset because I just wanted him to give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be okay, but he wanted to give me solutions. Instead of communicating my feelings to him, I became frustrated and it became an issue. We eventually sat down and talked to each other about this situation, and he explained how his family is very closed off when it comes to talking about their feelings so it’s not something he is used to. When he was upset as a child his parents would simply give him solutions instead of giving hugs. I grew up with all sisters and we are all very aware of our emotions. It’s a very different living situation, but also it can just be a guy thing. I didn’t know this until I talked to my mom and my married sister and they had the exact same thing happen to them. Lots of guys tend to find solutions instead of focusing on feelings. Lots of women want to be comforted and it becomes an issue if you do not communicate. My husband and I have not had this problem since the beginning of our marriage because it is something we talked about and are both very aware of. In my marriage class we watched a video called “It’s Not About the Nail.” In this video, a couple is sitting down together and the woman has a nail in her forehead. She explains to her husband that she’s been feeling upset lately because she has a pain in her head and it’s really hard for her. The husband simply says, “Well you do have a nail in your head,” but this makes the wife upset because he always tries to fix things and doesn’t listen to her. It’s a funny video, but also so relatable! In a marriage, it’s important to comfort your spouse how they need to be comforted whether it’s with solutions or comfort.